I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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