I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
