Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
