I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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