I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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