I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
