Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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