I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
