I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
My bed smells like the plague
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