I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I want to fling myself into the sun
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Randomize
