youre lurking in front of me
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Found the puke drawer
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
