I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
