I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
