I think I won the penis lottery.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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