I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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