His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
