the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
