he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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