She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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