Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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