He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I cut my penus on the lid.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
