This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
