Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
