Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
