Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Randomize
