I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
