I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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