I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
tell me about the eggs
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
