looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
