I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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