Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
