i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
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