So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
