I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Randomize
