if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
