Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
