Who wears a wallet chain?!
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Randomize
