My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Randomize
