Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
