I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Tornado booty call.. dedication
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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