you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
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