so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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