$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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