apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
