I'm gonna have a badass scar
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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