Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
