im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
