I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
