I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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