Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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