I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Randomize
