Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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