Michael Bay diarrhea
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Randomize
