ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
