Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
