I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
